What Miscarriage is Really Like: (In case you really wanted to know)

I realize this is posted in the Travel section of my blog, but this has definitely been a journey. 

Based on my IG post from earlier today:

This will be news to most of you. Part of my personal development goals as a coach is sharing my stories and being open about who I am. Not long ago, having a miscarriage would be something no one would know about. However, the subject seems too fragile that no one brings it up or feels comfortable talking about it. Sorry all, but life is not comfortable. It's about learning how to be comfortable during discomfort. So soon enough, a post will be up on my website about what miscarriage has really been like. I found zero to no information on the internet, so hopefully this helps those who have gone through it or know someone who has, and gives you a better understanding on how they feel and how to respond.

I wrote the post last night when I couldn't sleep due to all these thoughts going on inside my head. This is obviously just a snapshot of what I was feeling last night and what people should know, and not so much about how tedious and overwhelming the process and pain has been.

Greg and I feel that sharing our story can help others going through similar tragedies and bring a silenced subject into the light. Science can be cruel, but we are stronger than that cruelty. 

Love you all

♥ Ash

Here's what I have to say:

First of all, not telling people during the first trimester really leaves you isolated from so many aspects of your life. Somewhere there must be a link to patriarchy with this "rule", but for now I'll move on. You seem distant with friends and flakey for last minute cancellations of previously planned trips. You have a new fear of roller coasters at Disneyland and you miss out on backpacking trips. Then when you miscarry, the isolation becomes a dark hole. How do you tell people who are near and dear to you about this secret you have been keeping, let alone the trauma when they didn't even know in the first place? You are thoughtfully planning creative and special ways to tell your parents about their first grandchild, then you're expected to tell them about a tragedy instead?

This is where the concept of the first trimester should be a secret is flawed. This is a time you need your tribe the most, not when to shut them out in hopes for the best.

I do admit the few people that did know tend to ask too many questions - where are you going to live? Are you sure you're ready?( btw no one is ever really ready, and if you are and questioning other people about their readiness, then you come from a place of privilege and should step out of the conversation), what names are you choosing? Do you want to know the gender? Blah blah blah, etc., when all you're really thinking about is the anxiety around hearing good news at each ultrasound appointment.

***Graphic warning***

Without your tribe, the number of people to turn to when you have 6 min contractions one minute apart due to your body in labor expelling your placenta for hours narrows down to zilch. I wouldn't have had it any other way, well maybe with prescription pain pills, because that was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I wouldn't have chosen any pill to hurry the miscarriage process or a surgery to remove me from the process, only to have me leave a maternity ward with an empty womb and empty handed.

I chose natural and I chose to stop listening to doctors who push for surgery. I chose this after a week of uncertainty, a bit of denial, and a lot of shock. I chose my acupuncturist, her practice and her herbs instead.

Because this topic is so taboo and silenced, no one knows what to say or do. So let's make this something that can be talked about and here are some pointers IMO: Don't say anything unless it's how sorry you are, how you can be of help, or just to be with them. Instead think of FFF (Flowers, food, favors). Don't downplay what happened unless you feel like upsetting or angering someone in trauma. Yes, trauma, as it's a traumatic experience. Using flawed science like, “these things happen”, how common it is, it's not your fault, or that people go on to have healthy pregnancies after this, only downplays the current situation. It should be a no Brainer that saying they weren’t anything because of it being the early stages of an embryo or fetus should be an inside thought if it must be a thought at all.

When a woman finds out she's pregnant, their whole world turns upside down. What you can do, what you can eat, the crazy effects your body feels, and the way it transforms is nothing to ignore or to plan for after the clearing of the first trimester. It's instantly life altering and you're instantly a mother whether or not you have anything to show for it then, now, or ever. A miscarriage is not something someone is going to feel better about or get over. Be sensitive to the fact that it will always be on their mind whether they're showing it or not.

Don't ask how they're doing and if they’re ok because chances are they're doing shitty and no, they're not ok. This isn't to say people don't have the greatest intentions. It is to say how terribly misfortuned so many of us have been about the discussion of miscarriage being silenced and how ill informed people are on the details.

Although having a secret only Greg and I knew about was exciting, having your tribe as extended support is necessary. All in all, I've learned that science is cruel and that although I consider myself a spiritual person, being a religious person has been and is forever out the door. However, we will still light a candle at St. Ignatius Church out of tradition of our Catholic upbringings. 

Although I gained weight with nothing to show for it, I found out that Shieldsito was reabsorbed into my body before I miscarried. This brings joy to me once in awhile knowing Shieldsito will always physically be with me. Rest in Power Shieldsito. You made your dad and I a stronger unit and better people

♥ Ash